i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
