I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
