Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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