I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
