K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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