I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
