I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
