Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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