you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
