so that wasnt chicken after all
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
