when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
