Don't make out with my wife yet
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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