you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
did you just send me my own nude
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
