My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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