I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
