just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
