It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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