I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
