Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
