im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
