I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
