The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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