i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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