I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
