I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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