If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize