I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
