my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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