Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
