Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
