I love black thongs
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
