Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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