Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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