miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
