Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I cannot find my penis.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she peed on how many people?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
