What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
