Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Of course I have a pirate flag
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
