Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
