Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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