Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
