I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
