the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
