My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
