Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
