is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
