Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Bring me that man meat
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
