just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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