Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
