My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
How external is "for external use only"?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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