If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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