i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
