i jhust puked up my retainher.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize