sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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