I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
