The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
