Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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