I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
