the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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