I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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