why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
